rejection is redirection
When we help clients face their dating fears, time and time again the biggest fear we find holding them back is a deep-rooted fear of rejection. There’s no getting around the fact that rejection is something we will all experience in life and when it happens, it’s disappointing to say the least. But when we’re rejected in love it feels really personal.
What a hit to the ego when a guy says he just isn’t feeling it anymore. Or when he doesn’t text back after what you thought was a great first date.
We get it. It hurts.
But some people find rejection a lot harder to handle than others and it is our ability to handle rejection that is key in developing ‘bounce-back-ability’ when it comes to dating.
Having someone that we’ve been dating disappear off the scene when we weren’t expecting it is always going to hurt a bit, but it’s the meaning and the narrative we form around it that can make the difference between feeling a bit of a sting that we quickly get over to being totally destroyed by it.
Take the example of two different women who have both had someone turn around after the fifth date and say they’re just not feeling it and are bringing an end to things.
The first woman is devastated and thinks “Why didn’t he like me? What’s wrong with me? Why do men never want to be with me? I really thought that we could have given it a go, why didn’t he? I give up. I just don’t think it’s ever going to happen for me.”
The second woman feels the sting of disappointment but thinks very differently to the first woman: “Well if he wasn’t feeling it then I respect that. It’s a shame but if I’m not the right person for him then he’s not the right person for me and I really appreciate that he spoke up and ended things now rather than 6 months down the line when he’d known right from the start that he didn’t see a future in us. Onwards and upwards. I think what was missing before was that I wasn’t asking for a man who was really ready for a relationship to appear. And that IS what I want. I want someone that I can really see a future with and who can see a future with me. I can’t wait to meet that person now. I feel ready!”
See how differently these women frame what happened so that one turns it into a hugely negative experience and the other turns it into a positive experience that she can learn and grow from.
The first woman comes away firmly in the grips of her Shitty Committee, feeling like this is all the proof she needed that she’s not good enough and will never find love.
She makes it all about her – that there must be something wrong with her and she leaps to the crazy conclusion that if this one guy doesn’t want to be with her then no-one in the world will – she comes from a place of scarcity.
The second woman doesn’t make it about her at all. Yes she feels disappointed and doesn’t try to deny that, but she responds with gratitude towards the man and respects how he feels. She comes from a place of abundance and looks forward to meeting someone who she can create a future with. This experience has shown her that she really does feel ready for that now.
The good news is that we have total control over how we frame the things that happen to us and the narratives we form around them. It just takes a bit of practice.
So head on over to Lesson 26 in the workbook (or download Lesson 26 here) where we’ll show you how to reframe any feelings of rejection that you’ve experienced in the past and how to continue to do so in the future, strengthening your bounce-back-ability when it comes to dating!
And if you enjoyed the Tapping session in the last lesson with Vicki, then here is another one to help you with the fear of rejection (pop back to the Tapping video in Lesson 25 if you need a reminder of how Tapping works).
IMPORTANT (ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE IMPATIENT!): The audios can take a couple of minutes to upload (while looking like absolutely nothing is happening). If waiting gets you wound up then just click the Soundcloud link and you'll be sent to the track on Soundcloud where it happily plays with no delay!
x Selina & Vicki